How to know if your love relationship is toxic

On sexual relationships, they generally explain something to you at school or if you’re lucky maybe with family or friends you get a complete picture.

But no one explains anything about interpersonal relationships, about emotional affection, about relationships…

What should we expect from our partner? What is right and what is wrong in a loving relationship?

Gender-based violence is a reality in our society and the concern about the prevalence of this phenomenon in our adolescents is clear. It is a fact that 21st century teenagers continue to experience physical and/or psychological abuse.

Perhaps we should strive to provide proper education on what is, and is not, a healthy relationship?

Luckily, there has been a great deal of scientific research into relationships over the last few decades that has shed some light on toxic relationships.

10 Warning Signs That May Make You Suspect Your Relationship Is Toxic:

1. It doesn’t make you happy or grow as a person.

A relationship that makes you cry more times than it makes you laugh is probably a relationship that doesn’t grow you as a person. It is clear that happiness is not brought to you by anyone, you have to find it yourself, but a relationship must bring joy and promote your own happiness.

Your personal growth is a major pillar of your happiness, and a happy relationship should always encourage growth on both sides, not clip their wings. It has to give you the support you need to grow, it has to be one of the pillars to support your growth.

2. Relationships governed by emotional blackmail

When one partner consistently uses emotional blackmail to get the other person to do exactly what they want, the relationship is out of balance. A healthy relationship should be based on each other’s individual freedom. This blackmail should not be used to your advantage. These are relationships in which the same member of the couple usually always loses.

3. Exclusive relationships

Exclusive relationships automatically generate malaise as a couple because your partner shouldn’t have to decide who you go out for a drink with or who you can relate to. A healthy relationship will respect your friends and family and foster your relationships with them if they make you happy.

If since you started that relationship, you’ve stopped hanging out with your friends and interacting with your family, something may not be right and like a time bomb the countdown to your explosion has probably started.

It is obvious that at the beginning of a relationship you always put other relationships aside, but this attitude shouldn’t last over time, much less be due to coercion from the other member of the couple.

Generally, the partner who continually demands exclusivity, tends to criticize your friends and family frequently, judges negatively the more or less frequent calls and their visits, needs not to be confused by the fact that his love is questioned with the attentions to others and of others, basically has a real desire for possession.

4. Energy Vampires

We talked about it extensively in this article a few years ago: Recognizing Energy Vampires. They are people who need your energy to live.

Maybe you wake up and feel that you start the day with great will and desire to do, renewed strength and optimism but as soon as you enter into a relationship with the energy vampire, that energy decreases, you notice how that relationship is wearing you down and your vitality decreases.

Energy Vampires tend to be pessimistic people who aren’t enthusiastic about things and use your energy to feed themselves. Eventually you feel that you no longer have the strength. They are people who constantly use victimhood and accusations and then do nothing to change what they don’t like. Crazy!

5. Relationships that use guilt

Does your partner often chide you about past events? Do you feel like you have to constantly watch what you say and do in order not to be blamed? Whatever you do, it’s never enough to undo the mistake you made, even if it was a long time ago.

Also, you are always responsible for his arguments and their discomfort.

Relationships that use guilt and feelings of guilt are relationships that make you feel bad and there’s nothing you can do to make it go away, because they keep blaming you for your mistakes and blame you for everything that happens.

6. Dependency relationships

Emotional or affective dependence is found when a person makes you feel that they depend on you to be happy, be careful.

The concept of romantic love that we have has done a lot of damage in this regard. Love songs are filled with lyrics that say you can’t live without her/him and that’s not true. You have to depend solely on yourself to live, of course you may want to share your life with someone but if that relationship ends you will continue. Sometimes parting is a real liberation!

Dangerous phrases such as: “I can’t live without you” “if you left me I don’t know what I would do” “if you left me I would go crazy”…

They are phrases of addiction, not of love. They are phrases that are intended to bind you to the relationship under any circumstances.

When two lovers establish that the other person is responsible for how they feel in each moment, codependent tendencies develop.

All activities, even the most trivial things, like watching a TV show, have to be negotiated and compromised. When your personal needs are relegated to the background, always behind the needs of your partner, you are in a toxic relationship.

7. When you always justify their behavior

In front of others you have to justify what you did or said. Your partner will yell at you, insult you, criticize you, and then throw every slightest mistake at you because he/she could have done it better.

This is psychological abuse, no one should be treated like this under any circumstances. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect. If someone treats you like this, he doesn’t respect you.

8. Jealousy is not love

I’ve sold thousands of copies of the Healing Jealousy report because too many people confuse love with jealousy. I can tell you without a doubt that true love is never jealous! A jealous person doesn’t love you any more than one who isn’t. “Where there is fire there is smoke and where there is love there is jealousy” is bullshit.

Relationships must be built on trust. Your partner shouldn’t constantly distrust you, you shouldn’t always need to justify what you do, what you say, or who you relate to. Jealousy doesn’t reflect his love for him, it reflects his insecurity and distrust. No one should have to tell you what to wear or who you can and can’t look at.

9. The reproaches

A relationship should make you feel good about yourself, it should bring out the best in you. Anyone who constantly asks you to change, scolds you for what you do, say or think, and doesn’t appreciate anything about you, won’t make you happy. Your partner must accept you as you are, with your strengths and weaknesses, he must not try to make you a tailored suit.

10. Relationships that always put you in the background

There is always something more important than being with you, their wishes and commitments come before you. He never has time for you…

You need to make relationship time, quality time. Your partner must want to go out to dinner with you from time to time, even if you have kids and a million obligations to do. If you don’t make time for your important relationships, they will eventually die. If your partner always leaves you in the background, maybe he doesn’t value you as much as you really do.

Not all toxic relationships have all of these signs, some have more than others and have one or two of these symptoms, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is toxic.

Change what you see that doesn’t work and if you see that you can’t change anything, you may need to switch partners!

Then if you want to take a Coaching journey with me, you know how to contact me! A hug from Pierluigi D’Alessio.