Breaking up because of the family (his or her)

“I married you, not your family”

How many times have we heard some women say that Is their partner too dependent on their mother?

Or what her parents interfere too much in the couple’s relationshipmaking life really difficult for her husband?

Someone, overcome by anger and frustration, might think (and shout) during yet another argument sparked by interference from the partner’s family: “I married you, not your family!”

The issue is not insignificant.

Often, in fact, excessive intrusiveness on the part of the partner’s family of origin is the basis of serious conflictswhich can lead to a couple crisis and subsequent breakdown of the bond.

In this article, we will try to explain what it is the role of the family of origin in the formation of a couple And what happens when the so-called release does not occuror the acquisition of autonomy and independence by the now adult son/daughter.

In the last part of the article, we will give you some tips on how to build a healthy relationship with your partner and your respective families, setting boundaries between the couple and the outside world.

The role of the family of origin in the formation of the couple

The couple it does not arise only from the meeting between two people.

Each of us, in fact, carries within us a previous family experiencea particular legacy also made up of difficulties, unresolved conflicts and unsatisfied needs.

It is this emotional baggage that influences the choice of partner which, only apparently, is free and random.

As highlighted in this article on State of Mind, we are guided by a sort of “Love map”.

That boy you met by chance one evening impressed you because it makes something resonate within you. In fact, we choose a certain companion because it corresponds to or contrasts with the prototype of man or woman that we have assimilated within our family.

From childhood, inevitably, our parents serve as role models. Through them, we learn relational patterns which we then apply in adult life, completely unconsciously, re-proposing them in our relationships as a couple.

Let’s take the example of a boy who lived inside a patriarchal familywith an authoritarian father who dictates the rules and is not very affectionate and a mother who, instead, sacrifices herself completely for her children, taking care of them with care and concern and dedicating herself to the home.

It is possible that this boy, once he grows up, may feel attracted to a model of woman and partner opposite to that represented by the mother.

He could meet an independent, emancipated girl who wants to fulfill herself with a career and fall madly in love with her, deciding that she is the one he wants to be with.

But the opposite could also happen.

This boy, in fact, keeping faith with the family mandatehe may unconsciously be looking for a submissive and affectionate woman, in line with the female model he has introjected based on his own experience with his mother.

There is no fixed rule, but evidently the family of origin, our parents or those who take their place, by raising us and educating us, exert a strong influence on future relational life.

Furthermore, when you create a problematic bond with your reference figures, it is also possible develop relational difficulties.

The release or becoming autonomous individuals

The family we are born intotherefore, represents our first emotional nucleus, the place where we learn what it means to love and be loved.

Growing up, however, means becoming autonomous individuals, able to proceed on their own path, to find their place in the world.

For this to happen, what we call must occur “release process”, a progressive acquisition of independence which begins from the turbulent years of adolescence.

Adolescent rebellion which passes through furious arguments and silencesfirst loves and secrets, represents a fundamental moment in the growth of each of us.

In that moment, in fact, no longer children, but not even adults, we begin to question the authority of our parents, we experiment, we look for the new, we face a crisis that will lead us towards our new identity.

Let’s put away the clothes and ways of childhood to move towards adulthood.

The phase of release from the family it can be said to end around the age of thirty, when one leaves their parents’ house to live alone or as a couple, to build their own family.

We are not talking, however, of a separation or purely physical distancing.

The release from the family of origin it is, first of all, an internal process that involves the completion of the evolutionary process of identification/differentiation as well as the displacement of affective investments from the original nucleus outwardstowards the world.

All this does not always happen in a simple and linear way.

Sometimes, one finds oneself in serious difficulty in distancing oneself from one’s reference figurescarving out a space of its own.

A family with very rigid boundaries towards the outside and which presents a entanglement between members can represent a serious obstacle to the successful outcome of the release process.

Within such groups, emancipation is a real challenge.

If parents are unable to balance a sense of protection and a drive for autonomy, their children suffer, failing to develop solid self-esteem and a good degree of independence.

This of course does not mean that once he grows up he will never leave home.

But that the shadow of his parents will always follow him and it will weigh like a boulder on the relationships that he manages to build, threatening their stability.

Failure to release and couple crisis

Failure to release oneself from the family of origin, in fact, has disastrous consequences on one’s life healthy emotional development of the person.

But it is also a risk factor for relationship crises.

When one is unable to loosen that bond, there is a strong risk that one’s choices and one’s way of acting will be strongly influenced. conditioned by opinion, by the myths present within the group of origin.

This means that those introjected beliefs will be a guide in choosing a partner and the type of relationship you want to have, i.e. what is considered appropriate by your family of origin.

The main consequence is that you will tend to neglect your needs in an attempt to satisfy someone else’s, ending up with the live in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy youwhich doesn’t give you joy or fulfillment because it’s not what you really want deep down, what you need.

But it is also possible that the opposite occurs, that is, that the desire to rebel against a family that suffocates you or tries to hold you back pushes you in the direction of a choice contrary to that dictated by the family mandate.

A relationship that is based on assumptions of this kind, however, is destined to fail.

Then there is the case we saw at the beginning of this article: the one in which the parents of one of the members of the couple cannot accept that their child grows up and leaves the nest.

This failure to release can be linked to different situations.

Maybe we’re talking about one family in which there are perennial conflicts between parents, constant arguments that would prevent the couple from standing if there wasn’t a child in the middle. Or one of the parents is no longer with us or is suffering from a serious illness and, consequently, the child feels obliged to remain close to his father or mother to support him and help him, making up for that lack, filling in the gaps.

What we are talking about are very complex dynamics, which can put a couple to the test, subjected to pressures and intrusions that can cause them to collapse.

Managing families of origin and protecting the couple

Learning to manage one’s families of origin is perhaps one of the most complex tasks for a couple who has just formed and intends carry forward a common life project.

Balance is the key to a working relationship.

But to find it, it is necessary to develop some skills and implement strategies that cement the couple, making it more solid and capable of facing moments of difficulty and crisis.

First, it is good for both partners to be self-aware and one’s family history, of baggage they bring with them when entering a relationship. In fact, each of us, in the bond with the other, brings with us needs that we have not resolved in our own development history, in our own family experience.

Knowing these elements helps a lot.

We then need to work on communication. Opening up to others is difficult, it makes us feel exposed, weak. But it helps us understand and let ourselves be understood, learning to say no, to set limits.

It is precisely borders that represent a fundamental element in this discussion. Drawing a boundary does not mean cutting off the other or interrupting a relationship. Rather, it means placing the right distance to protect one’s personal space, limiting the influence of one’s own family of origin and that of others.

Of course, embarking on a journey together can be of great help. Whether it’s about individual therapy, couple or family therapythis type of intervention presents itself as a tool for rediscovering oneself and others.