How to argue as a couple –

When we argue as a couple, we are not always able to argue, defending our needs and welcoming the other’s needs for real change.

The fact is that we can overcome any argument with ease, close it quickly and, above all, manage not to seem like the bad guy from the movies.

Arguments are not always avoidable, they often need to be addressed in order for relationships to thrive and move forward.

1. Are you clear on what you will say?

Thinking about what you are going to say can be seen as something artificial, but the reality is that it is essential to know what you want to say, because otherwise the most natural thing will be to distance ourselves from our goal and we will end up arguing or giving up too soon…

When arguments arise suddenly and what is said is spur of the moment, they almost always lead to the attack or defense of a position, not the explanation of feelings and the expression of needs.

When you are unable to convey what you want, and the impatience grows for the other person to understand that they have to make a change, it is normal for completely unproductive vicious circles to be established.

It is common that the desire to compensate for the discomfort caused by the other means that there is no objective in the dialogue other than mere discussion.

When there is a conflict ask yourself: “Do you want to be right or solve the problem?”

2. Do you know when and where you want to talk about it?

Warming up is usually a bad advisor when it comes to winning arguments as a couple. If you don’t choose when and where to have the conversation, there may be much less chance of achieving each person’s goals or defending their positions.

It is good to observe yourself and identify whether you are in the right state of mind to discuss. It’s true that you can’t delay indefinitely, but it’s essential to have the right attitude.

If the tendency is to explode when you argue with your partner, look for a public, busy place with a certain privacy but which can limit shouting and bad gestures a little thanks to the gaze of other people.

It is also usually a good idea to meet on a specific day, like a date, so that it is easier to organize and also prepare positively.

3. Listen actively

It seems that when we are angriest we tend to want to lay out all our arguments so that the other person understands them as soon as possible.

It happens that normally in couple discussions the other person also wants to talk a lot and be understood, so normally the rhythms will be altered. If you are able to listen 75% and speak 25%, you will have a much better chance of being heard and understood by the other end. The point is that if you want to win arguments you have no choice but to listen first and then speak little by little.

If you are willing to make the effort, I recommend that you actively listen, that is, ask for clarification and repeat in your own words what the other person said. Show that you are interested in what you heard and that you also understood it. It will be easier to convey what you want and receive it adequately, especially if the other person is not very receptive.

4. Don’t have too many expectations

Can you quickly get your partner to change or understand their needs? Perhaps it is more realistic to assume not.

Don’t set a time to reach agreements based on what the other person is like. It will probably take another 2 or 3 discussions to get somewhere. If you agree with this approach, don’t forget it the next time you start a discussion. It will help you regulate the rhythms.

5. Have you thought of any alternatives in case the discussion stalls?

In addition to being able to postpone the conversation if things get complicated, it is good to ask open-ended questions so that they give us new reasons to continue talking:

“What bothers you about what I’m asking you? How would you like me to react? Which alternative would be best for you, given how things are now?” Typically, following these responses makes it easier to continue the conversation at another time.

Furthermore, it is particularly useful to insist on the same approaches several times, but it is not necessary to always repeat the same words. It usually helps a lot to combine active listening, and specifically paraphrase, the argument we want to defend: “It’s clear that you were disappointed by what I told you and that you expected something different from me (long pause) but my intention wasn’t to bother you, I just wanted us to make this plan together…”

You must avoid alleys that have no exit.

6. Do you know how to manage anger?

It is essential to control anger.

If we hold on to the harm that another causes us when we argue, we will be unable to argue or get anything worthwhile out of any conversation.

If you try to humiliate or embarrass your partner, the relationship will fall apart and cannot be rebuilt.

It is important that once the discussion is over, the hostilities also end.

Avoid using reverse empathy, it is usually desirable to convey the idea that if you don’t like what I do to you, then don’t do it to me. The reality is that this is not empathy but criticism.